Limbo

The Webster's dictionary has a rather unsatisfactory definition for the word Limbo; but the limbo as explained in Catholic thelogy suits my state of mind better.

The root meaning of limbo is "boundary". While "limbo" is often popularly understood to be a "place where souls go", the term also describes and reflects theological uncertainty.

Amelia is now nine months complete - and I find myself stuck. For the first time in six years, I have nothing to do. I mean, besides raising a infant and domesticating. I sold my business at what looks like an opportune time, in hindsight. The bottom just fell off the garment export market, with the USD depreciating, margins are squuzed and spare part imports and maintainence costlier.

Now I have a big open space in my career house - and it can swing many ways. When Amelia was a nameless or rather a this name or that name one month infant, I felt the deep itch to start some business again. I even interviewed for collabrative ventures in event management and maternity clothing line. But then she got bigger and contrary to my expectation, much more work. Though nobody else was surprised when I called and said 'guess what, I cant work with a two month old on hand'.
But now I really am ready - I'm slightly envious of people putting on their suit-boot and striding off to achieve big big things in the corporate world, though not the commute on the way to corporate world so much. I actually feel like a six year old again, when I could be anything I wanted to be - a dancer, a teacher, a actor, a writer... though not so much a teacher now, nor really an actor.. and dancer, me??? So I'm thinking, thinking...

Official Church teaching remains that the status of these souls (who don't seem to deserve hell, yet cannot follow the divinely-revealed path to heaven) is in limbo -- in other words, their fate cannot be determined.

And then my physical state of being - I am dealing with the post-natal weight everyday. Working out and watching my diet as much as possible if it wasnt for those damned girly lunches and those bitty (Beer-kitty) parties I have to attend.
So yes, finally the pregnancy clothes hang on me, and I had a great time purging my wardrobe of them. But none of my old stuff fits yet. So after the Great Wardrobe Purge of last week, I have a sum total of 5kurtis and 5t-shirts to wear. And I'm so reluctant to buy anything expensive that will hopefully be really loose in a couple of months, that I must hit clothesrack again.

If heaven is a state of happiness and a union with God, and hell is a state of torture and a separation from God, then (many eminent Catholic theologians have speculated) limbo is a neutral state, in which souls are denied the beatific vision, but saved from the torment of hell.

I alwaysa felt my life was a constant waiting - for a permanent home, a full-fledged family with baby, a sofa- set. Now I have it all, except for the sofa set, and its now upto me how I want to move ahead. I'm free and the thought is a little scary.